420 ftw
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
