help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
