My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
