I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
