I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
