so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
