You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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