Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
