WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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