In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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