if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
