I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
