I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
