I molested 6 butterflies tonight
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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