he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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