Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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