Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
