the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
