I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
