if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
