There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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