It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
