I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
