getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
