Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
