Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
