Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
