Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
