Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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