we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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