I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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