Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
