wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
