Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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