I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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