Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
