I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I pour the whiskey from now on
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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