Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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