I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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