Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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