and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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