I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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