My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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