I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
