Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
