In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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