I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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