Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
