On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
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