No awkward lesbian experiences without me
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
